Please could help me with my creative writing i have done this story and i was wondering if its ok ??? xx THX?

I think that it is really good. One thing that I noticed from the start was how descriptive you were about the scene. That is normally one of the first suggestions I make to new writers is to describe the scene more so the reader can picture it in their mind. A problem I saw was that some times you were repetitive with words. If you get a Thesaurus (which can be a writers best friend), it will help you find other words that you can use to replace those words. One other thing that could make the story better is in the next to last paragraph when you are leading up to the bang part, I would make that more suspenseful. Make it where you are building up to a climax by writing more about what she was feeling, what the other people around her were doing, or talk about how the animals were suddenly quite, etc... These were just a few ideas I had. But like I said at the beginning, it is a good piece of writing and I really think you are a talented writer. Just keep writing because the more you write the better you will be!